If you have recently lost a loved one and are expected to attend a social event:

Be careful: the people you are spending the occasion with may not realize the importance of bringing up your loved one. Instead, they may think that by no mentioning it will be better because they don’t want to ‘hurt you’ or ‘make you cry’. Now this may be fine with you.

But if not, and you discover, to your growing disbelief, that everyone is politely avoiding the elephant in the living room, the fact that you’ve recently lost an important person (or pet) in your life, you have four options:

1. You don’t say anything and internalize the pain and anger (not recommended).

2. You tell someone that no mentioning your loved one really hurts.

3. You bring up a memory of the person and share it.

4. You leave, either in agonizing silence or after a spectacular whistling attack (highly recommended, see below).

If you are hosting a party or family function and one of your guests has recently experienced the loss of a loved one:

Here’s a snippet from my personal experience that you may find helpful (the following scene took place two months after the sudden death of my 32-year-old husband):

“HE’S GONE!” I yell, “BUT IT’S NOT FORGOTTEN!”

Then I rush out my cousin’s front door, leaving behind a house full of relatives trying to celebrate my mother’s 75th birthday. However, since there is a snowstorm on this particular night in early December, I have to stop at the front door, after my embarrassing outburst, put on my jacket, mittens and boots. Only then do I run down the icy front catwalk, stomping as furiously as possible in my new ridiculously high-heeled boots. I get in my car, close the door, and slowly walk home on icy roads.

“They didn’t toast John!” I whine into the phone from my living room.

“Maryanne?” says Dawson, on the other end of the line. “What happen?”

“He was (sobbing) on ​​my mom’s birthday and my family didn’t even include him (sobbing) in the toast before dinner. I can’t believe them!”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Could you?”

A few minutes later the bell rings. But it’s not Dawson; is Dale’s wife.

“So they sent you, huh?” I say.

“Yes.”

“I am quite angry.”

“Oh, we put it together.”

“I can’t believe my own family. No one mentioned John all night, not even in a toast. for my mother.“

My sister-in-law makes a face. “Everyone feels terrible about it, but I think we all thought we would try to give you a break from the pain.”

“Hah!” I gave a shrill laugh. “Well that certainly didn’t work.”

“You’re right. We were wrong and I’m sorry.”

“Mentioning John’s name and talking about him,” I say, “is very important to me because if we don’t, we will forget.”

“Do you know, Maryanne, that at that dinner table tonight, John was on each of our minds?”

I shrug. “If no one says anything, how would you do it?”

The doorbell rings. I let Dawson in.

“Well,” she tells him. “We made a mistake.”

“It happens,” he responds. “Sometimes it is difficult to know what to say.”

“Here’s a tip then,” I say. “Not mentioning John will bury him a hell of a lot faster than the dirt they dumped on his grave.”

I get the double goldfish (both mouths open). Is the good widow facade finally crumbling?

And there you have it. If you are honest and open with people who love and support you honestly, most people will try to do better, if to know better. Unfortunately, it usually depends on the person grieving the recent loss of a loved one who gets stuck bringing death to the party. But even though loss and pain are facts of life; them may they are significantly relieved when shared memories, rather than being avoided, are brought to the table.

Because believe me, an elephant in the living room should not be ignored.